GOP Candidates
Donald Trump
“Make America Great Again!”
Logic: America is no longer great but could be again with the addition of four-time bankruptcy survivor Donald Trump as president. Past America was great because the nation was established using Trumpian principles like overt racism and taking cheap shots at enemies.
Ben Carson
“Heal + Inspire + Revive”
Logic: This should do the trick in reminding you that Ben Carson was a celebrated neurosurgeon. However it’s a curious choice with the word “heal”, seeing as how Carson doesn’t want anyone to have healthcare. You know, it’s too much like slavery.
Marco Rubio
“A New American Century”
Logic: Vote Rubio, and the century will change! Is America somehow in a different century than the rest of Earth? And what does being in a new century have anything to do with anything? Rubio does win the award for most clever/ridiculous way of incorporating a map of America into his logo. Does Rubio always dot his “I’s” like this? Is this Rubio’s form of a teenage girl’s heart shaped dot? Questions abound.
Ted Cruz
Reigniting the Promise of America
Logic: CHRISTIAN STUFF!! Fire! Brimstone!
Jeb Bush
“Jeb!”
Logic: Jeb! famously “earned” the nickname Jeb (ie. his regular nickname) from the people of Florida, and he’s excited about it. Can’t you tell? Jeb! Apparently, however, the excitement wasn’t slated to last. Instead of drawing attention to the total lack of enthusiasm of “supporters,” he decided to change course and premier a brand new “my campaign is definitely thriving and that’s why we’re rebranding” slogan. Introducing:
“Jeb can fix it”
Logic: Just go ahead and tell yourself a joke about him “fixing” the 2000 election for his brother. We’ll wait.
Carly Fiorina
“New Possibilities. Real Leadership.”
Logic: Remember I’m a leader. That’s why it doesn’t matter that I speak almost entirely in unthruths, because...leadership. America. Patriot. Possibilities. Real. New. Words. Money. Hair. Lego. Woman. Accomplishment. Hillary. Wait, where were we?
John Kasich
"K for US"
Logic: I’ve thought of a clever way to use the “us” in USA. Then I stole Rand Paul’s bleak logo, because black and red are the best colors to show that I’m optimistic about the future of “us” and “US.” Vote the death and destruction line!
Rand Paul
"Defeat the Washington Machine. Unleash the American Dream."
Logic: Umm, is this logo really bleak to anyone else? It’s frigging black. And does this American Dream that he’s going to “unleash” on us look like? Do we want this American Dream?
Mike Huckabee
“From Hope to Higher Ground”
Logic: Elect me and I’ll bring forth the rapture so we can all go to “higher ground” (heaven). Or, said another way, elect me and we’ll all die.
Chris Christie
“Telling it Like it Is”
Logic: I tell the truth...according to an overweight white male from New Jersey. I’m totally unbiased when it comes to telling you exactly how much my paranoid doomsday scenario is definitely going to happen. One time I definitely won’t tell it like it is, however, is when I’ve launched a petty attack on a political enemy by generating a massive traffic jam that affects thousands.
Rick Santorum
“Restore the American Dream for Hardworking Families”
Logic: Hey, remember when I was a populist once??? No? Then look at this fancy eagle! No one else has an eagle!
Bobby Jindal
“Tanned, Rested, Ready”
Logic: I made a joke about being Indian! You can trust me to be a prejudiced enough shephard for your Conservative values because I am somehow even prejudiced against my own self. Also I’m super rested and ready because it’s taken almost none of my energy to totally run Louisiana into the ground.
Lindsey Graham
“Ready to Be Commander-in-Chief on Day One”
Logic: I wish we were at war. Things were better when we were at war and I had somewhere to be.
George Pataki
“People Over Politics”
Logic: Award to Pataki for dumbest graphical representation of an American flag. Why isn’t there an additional red line to the right of the blue line? Then it would actually look flag-esque. Our guess is the Pataki campaign’s red ink cartridge was low and they just went with it.
Gone but not forgotten:
Scott Walker
“Reform. Growth. Safety”
Logic: I’ll be wet blanket who insists that you stop frolicking and having abortions now in a sober and responsible tone. Also, this E in the logo is a stretch even for logo standards, as if having an “e” somewhere in the middle of his name is what makes him a patriot.
Rick Perry
“Expanding opportunity for all”
Logic: Nothing says “Rick Perry for President” more than a Lisa Frank style shooting star.
Jim Gilmore
NONE
Slogan Logic: Just like his campaign, a big nothing. Also, who?
Democrats:
Hillary Clinton
“Hillary for America”
Logic: Leave it to Hillary to not even really have a campaign slogan. “Hillary for America” may as well be: Just elect me already damn it! Also, not having a campaign slogan allows you to not be tied to it, and if there’s one thing we know, it’s that Clinton doesn’t like to be tied to any ideas or statements she’s had in the past. You can’t flip flop on a slogan you never had, right?
Bernie Sanders
"A Political Revolution Is Coming"
Logic: Gird your loins America! Socialism is nigh!
Martin O’Malley
"Rebuild the American Dream"
Logic: Look! My logo is almost a talk bubble. This campaign will be just like a Bravo show. Except more far more boring and far fewer people invested in it than watched the reunion of The Real Housewives of Orange County reunion.
Gone but not forgotten:
Jim Webb
"Leadership You Can Trust"
Logic: You can trust me even though you’ve never heard of me. That’s how trust works.
Lincoln Chaffee
"Fresh Ideas for America"
Logic: My fresh ideas are embodied in modern-seeming logo that absolutely does not resemble anything you’d see on a 19th century apothecary bottle.
Greens:
Jill Stein
#ItsInOurHands
Logic: I’m totally hip and understand hashtags.