[Written by Lila Nordstrom and shared w/ permission from the late great Spark Actions Newsletter]

Rudy Giuliani. The man, the legend, the Rockette. Just when you think Trump’s White House can’t get any weirder,  you see this man haphazardly wiping his COVID sweat on nearby women and filming embarrassing cameos for the latest Borat movie.  In many ways Rudy is the ultimate Trump insider, both because of his deep ties in New York City political scene and the fact that Donald Trump has literally motorboated him with his literal face. But who is this man? Beyond his stints as controversial NYC Mayor, failed Senate candidate, failed Presidential candidate, person who supports an anti-everybody agenda, and terrible lawyer, what’s he all about? 

Well don’t you worry! If you thought the last few years were exciting, buckle up. Rudy’s no stranger to exciting. Here are some of the highlights:

1) 1968: That time he married his cousin.

2) 1994: That time his son hammed it up, waving, blowing kisses, yelling into the mic, and spilling a pitcher of water during his inaugural speech as mayor.

3) 1997: That time Giuliani dressed in drag as Rita Delvecchio, Cheri Oteri’s mother, for an SNL skit because...that usually wins elections, right?

4) 1998: That time he launched an intensive campaign against jaywalkers, angering literally every single New Yorker, including the police.

5) 1998: That time he decided the best place to put the city’s Emergency Command Center was in the middle of its most likely target, the World Trade Center, which had already been bombed by terrorists only a few years before.

6) 2000: That OTHER time he dressed in drag, sprayed perfume on his boobs, and let Donald Trump motorboat him.

7) 2000: That time he announced at a press conference that he was leaving his wife…without telling her first.

8) 2000: That time that, hours after being blindsided by his divorce announcement, ex-wife Donna Hanover held her own press conference accusing Rudy of having an affair with staffer, Judith Nathan, and took out a restraining order to keep her out of Gracie Mansion.

9) 2001: That time that he spent six months while Mayor living with a Queens’ car dealer, the car dealer’s gay lover, and their pet Shih Tzu, Bonnie, while his (unofficially) ex-wife Donna Hanover was left to live alone in Gracie Mansion. 

10) 2001: That time he dressed in tights and danced with the Rockettes because...why not, you know? [PIC]

11) 2001: That time his pals blabbed to the press that his cancer treatment had left him impotent to help his divorce case. Because, you know how could he have cheated while that flaccid? 

12) 2011: That time he refused to marry the gay friends who so graciously let him “crash” with them after his second marriage fell apart.