Here at Brain Trust Live, we’ve been pretty clear about one thing: we don’t approve of people having guns, no exceptions, and we’re willing to tolerate a “hostile government takeover” (as the right would call it), as long as what it involves is the government taking these dangerous weapons away from people in our vicinity.  Americans are, after all, more likely to shoot fellow citizens than “the government” with all of their military-grade toys, and the Constitution, on our reading, seems to be saying we can have a National Guard, not that each of us can start our own one-man Montana Militia.  “Well-regulated” is the very first word in that amendment, after all.

There are a number of reasons that we believe guns are useless.  For one, guns don’t do anything besides injure and kill.  There is not an argument to be made for keeping them around on the basis of their adorable giggles or ability to help prepare delicious food.  They are not the equivalent of a security guard - they don’t listen to your dumb jokes in the elevator or open car doors for you.  They are inanimate objects that have only one motive - to shoot you, your children, your friends, and your neighbors.

Additionally, gun rights advocates seem to exist with a heavy dose of racism on the side.  It is middle-class white people that relentlessly drive this issue to militaryweaponinsanetown, as it has been since the NRA was taken over by conservatives in the 1960s and became dedicated to tailoring Black Panther-style rhetoric to the needs of terrified white people in rapidly desegregating suburbs.  (A side note to white people:  As the holders of most of the military-grade weaponry in the country, you’ve made being around other white people quite dangerous.  You are more likely to shoot each other or be a victim of a mass murder than you are to successfully “protect” yourselves from the minorities you fear.  Is this not the racist equivalent of letting the terrorists win?)

In any case, while only 35% of American households have guns,  Americans own 50% of the guns ON EARTH.  What’s more is that gun owners, by and large, now own more guns each than they used to.  People aren’t just buying one small handgun to accidentally shoot their friends with, they are buying arsenals that their mentally disturbed children can raid and use to shoot up masses of people.  (Some more interesting facts here.)

So how do we protect ourselves from this dangerous blight on society?  We have some suggestions:

1) We mentioned this above, but here it is again….

Government goons coming into our homes and taking our guns from us.  We know what you’re asking.  Have you really thought this through?  Do you know that Hitler did the same thing?  Don’t you know that will never happen in America?  Might you be crazy?   Yes.  Yes is the answer to all of those questions.  But for reasons stated above we don’t really need them, so let’s have someone take them away from us!  Also, hiring all of these gun collectors would really be a great job creator.  The right would love that yes?  We could even call the bill the  “Patriotic Freedom from Guns Job-Creating Economy Saving Act”.  It would be un-American to vote against.

The big question is, what do we do with all of the guns after we collect them?  Luckily, we have the answer.

FREEDOM HORNS (the horns formerly known as “French”)

Yes, musical instruments.  Who doesn’t love a good brass instrument?  Think of all the brass ensembles we could be having right now!  Currently the most famous brass ensemble in the world is the “Canadian Brass” ensemble, and this must not stand.  Also, think of all the music education we could be having in schools.  As a person who started playing the trombone at the age of 9, Brent can safely say that once you’re playing in the school band, the need to shoot roomfuls of people really goes down quite dramatically.  As a person whose school music programs were cut before she could begin playing an unwieldy instrument like trombone, Lila can attest to the fact that she has no idea if this is true, but it sounds reasonable enough.  (She will never understand why marching bands are a thing, however.)

2) The Pan-American Hunger Games

One thing we know at BTL, is that all people who own guns have thought about killing someone.  If you are a gun owner and would like to tell us otherwise, we would like to tell you that you are a liar.  Why else do you shoot at targets of people with bullseyes on them at the firing range?  Trust us, If you’ve ever held a gun, the thought had to have crossed your mind.  So, here at BTL, we would like to give you the chance to fulfill your dreams.  Yes, it’s a real life Hunger Games style competition for all of America’s gun owners!  We suggest that this competition could take place in a large state with few people and a high percentage of gun owners.  Utah and Montana are both solid options.

All gun owners would travel (voluntarily) to the designated state, and partake in the event.  That’s right, they could actually hunt EACH OTHER!  What could be more exciting for them?  It’s like a super-sized civil war re-enactment (and we know gun owners love that) with ACTUAL gun-fire using modern day weaponry!  Only one would survive (or maybe not?) and then we’d have no gun owners, therefore no more need for guns at all.  Problem Solved!  Fun for gun owners (at least until the point they are shot) and then no more need for guns.  May the odds be ever in no one’s favor…

3) Go back to weaponry used during the time of the 2nd Amendment.  

Ok fine, so you think option 1 tramples on the Constitution (do you also think God wrote the constitution?  It’s not important to this conversation, we’re just curious) and option 2 is insensitive.  Here at Brain Trust live making everyone happy is pretty high on our hierarchy of importance, as shown here:

1. Always being right

2. Eating as much candy and/or baked goods as possible

3. Making others happy  

Therefore, we present option 3, our “compromise” initiative.  You want a weapon?   You just really can’t live without knowing you own something that will get you or your loved ones shot?  Fine, we’ve got you covered.   Yes, it’s back to muskets and bayonets!  But we aren’t stopping there.  We’ll even let you have 18th century pistols (they aren’t super accurate so watch your aim!) swords, and sabres.  Seriously, what could possibly be more exciting/effective against a thief than a sabre duel?   We’ll also even let you have an 18th century cannon if you can track one down.  It takes 14 people to operate and by the time you are ready to fire it you may have already been found out, but if you want to give it a whirl then we’re not here to stop you.  

See, everyone’s happy with this initiative.  You can still hunt, and you can even still murder people, but just only one at a time now.  

4) 5 Thousand Dollar Bullets

Is it possible that Chris Rock is the only person who has made a reasonable gun control policy suggestion in the last 20 years?  Legislators may be talking about stopgap measures like background checks, but this really gets to the heart of the matter:

So see, America?  It’s not that complicated!  Guns = dangerous killing machines not fit for civilian life.  In the interest of protecting the Constitution, we’ll MAYBE compromise on bayonets, but your M16 has got to go.  We’re available, Washington, for questions.