What could be better that big, structural change? Well small, imperceptible change that doesn’t impact the ultra wealthy, of course! With so much dreaming going on among this year’s top presidential contenders, John Delaney’s on the scene to scold us about how our dreams of living in a just society are just a scooch too big. Why not try something smaller? Or maybe try nothing. It’s better if we don’t rock the boat. After all, if John Delaney got rich in this system, anybody can!

Delaney’s is a name you probably hadn’t heard before his Wikipedia death at the hands of Elizabeth Warren during the second Democratic debate, but he’s been calling himself a “progressive” while promoting conservative policy since the very beginning of the primary season. Like, the VERY beginning, in that he was actually the first Democrat to announce his candidacy back in 2017. Delaney is a former Congressman and current unemployed idly rich person who was elected to Congress in 2012 and served for 3 terms. He was one of the richest members during his tenure thanks to a successful career in what he might call “being an entrepreneur.” Prior to his time in the house, Delaney had co-founded two lending companies, one that provided loans to health care providers and the other to mid sized businesses. In short, he was at best he was a professional middleman and at worst the don of a very nerdy mafia.

Delaney’s vision for the presidency is what some might call a time capsule of bad ideas from 1992. He plans "only to do bipartisan proposals" during his first 100 days if elected president (swoon?), is against Medicare-For-All because it lacks a private insurance option, opposes the Green New Deal because why, when you can propose literally anything, would you try anything bigger than a carbon tax, and preaches to his 500-person YouTube audience that other Democrats are making “impossible promises.” He’s fond of calling himself a “pragmatic idealist,” but his tough love approach isn’t exactly raking in the big bucks. He’s raised just a couple million dollars from outside sources but has maintained a huge campaign operation anyway because, well, his net worth totals over $90 million so who needs us little people? He’s already lent himself around $20 million of his own money. 

Delaney hasn’t qualified for the third debate, but he’s heavily invested in Iowa so he’s unlikely to drop out before the caucuses. He’s the only candidate to have visited every one of Iowa’s 99 counties, has opened eight state field offices, has spent almost two million dollars on local television advertisements, and staffed up early. Luckily, he’s in no danger of winning or even placing in any state so we can rest easy that eventually he won’t be in a position to mansplain “hard truths” to us. But if you like free merch is Des Moines office is giving away shirts, books, stickers, pins, and more! Stock up so you can wear ‘em ironically later!